


i'm sorry for being selfish, i love you

by kaito1031



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Long-Distance Relationship, Loss, M/M, POV Kuroo Tetsurou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:02:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27625136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaito1031/pseuds/kaito1031
Summary: Kuroo and Tsukishima being together having teased by the group of friends they were in, and started a long-distance relationship. It was all fun and romance, until Kuroo has his regret.Not seeing Tsukishima Kei anymore. Literally.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Kudos: 38





	i'm sorry for being selfish, i love you

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to someone, i just had to.  
> happened in real life and i just really need to move on. sorry for the poor dialogues.

Love always starts out what you usually expect it to be.

Getting together by being pushed on with your closest friends, talking to each other continually as growing on each others' interest. Enjoying the little things, even though kilometers away to be physically together.

"Oi Kuroo, when do you even plan to visit here?" Yaku asked his long-distance best friend over a group call.

"If I actually have the time, Yaku."

"Tsukishima's sulking because you don't even come here." Yaku teases Kei, who was apparently pouting most of the time since Kuroo started a relationship with him, they haven't met in person.

"Yaku, I never sulked what the fuck." Tsukishima protested.

"Kei, you know you can call me whenever but I just can't go right now."

"But you're only the one who enjoys it a bit too much."

"And you didn't get tired of me teasing you, right?" 

"Stop flirting here, you lovebirds." Atsumu interjected.

"Kei, mind if I call you then?"

And it's never a problem with Tsukishima.

Voice calls to video calls. Kuroo enjoyed every banter between the both of them, it didn't matter how petty it was sometimes, but those subtlety in between left a smile in their faces.

Kuroo loved everything about Tsukishima, his voice calming him down after having a stressful day, sometimes saying "take a break" or "get some rest". Kuroo wasn't sure if it was forwarded everytime, he didn't mind though. Hearing his boyfriend's voice was enough for him to settle down.

The first time that they called each other, Kuroo was having a hard time to even process what's going on. He could hear a gentle sound over the phone, who he'd first thought that it might be a different person.

Kuroo asked again if he could see Kei's face if it was really him. Kuroo had never been redder than a tomato, blushing so hard on what he sees on the screen.

"Are you making fun of me?" Tsukishima asserted.

"N-no! It's not like that. I never expected you to be so cute."

Kuroo gestured himself away from the camera so Tsukishima won't be able to see his grinning face.

"Stop with the flattery!"

"Kei, do you want me to tell you how I'm in love you over and over again?"

"...i know that. I'm just, not really used to it."

"You'll get used to it when you let me tell you that."

"I wish it was that easy, haha."

"If we ever met up, would you tell me that you love me?"

"Why wouldn't I, you dumbass?"

"Go to sleep, it's late already."

"I still have my school works on pending so I will not."

"Want me to keep you company?"

"I don't really mind."

Kuroo just listened to Tsukishima's mumbling in reviewing notes until he tried to sing a chorus of a song.

_Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me_

He watched Tsukishima stop mumbling and looked at the camera.

_And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be_

He sang quietly, but it's enough for Tsukishima to hear it.

_Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet, and you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street_

Tsukishima sang in unison with that one line,

_So I'm not moving, I'm not moving._

I really wished you didn't mean it literally, Kei.

As he cried with the thought of Kei once again, he came back to his senses when he woke up on a table beside Lev, Atsumu and Yaku.

"Why are you even drinking again when you keep falling asleep, idiot."

Yaku gives Kuroo a slap as the latter was still half-asleep, some tears that may have been unconsciously welled up in his eyes.

"Shut the fuck up, Yaku. You're not the one who had a loss."

"Do you think Tsukish-"

"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP, RIGHT?" Kuroo grabbed Yaku's collar that has enough force to lift him up, then Yaku got terrified knowing this side of Kuroo.

"Oi Yaku, Kuroo. Stop fighting, you're both drunk already." Atsumu intervened grabbing both of their shoulders.

"Atsumu, it's still my fault right?"

"Why would you blame yourself? I told you back then, his parents did not notice how he's pale already."

"Atsumu, do you believe in fate?"

"Well, yeah."

"Was it Kei's fate to die this early?" A moment of silence that lingered, Atsumu didn't know how to respond to Kuroo with such a trivial question.

"...you know I can't answer that, Kuroo."

"So I have no choice but to accept it, right?"

"No rush, it's hard to accept a loss of someone you loved so much."

"Thanks, Tsumu. But what if we didn't fight? I might be able to see him in person before he..." Kuroo could not continue.

He didn't want to accept how Tsukishima Kei already died, partly blaming himself that their fight caused it. He thought that if holding his temper is what it takes for him to be alive before they meet up, he should've hold it longer.

But Tsukishima did something out of desperation that made Kuroo exasperated. That it was Kei who forced himself to fake date with someone just to see Kuroo.

Kuroo remembers every word he said. It was something that he never wanted to utter, Kei didn't realize how it affected Kuroo so bad, that the latter chose to go silent even if their talk didn't end on a good note.

"Kei, why the fuck did you do that?"

"Tetsu, please. I didn't want to."

"You were seeing someone else that YOU DID NOT WANT TO? KEI, YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS."

"But Tetsu, I just wanted to see you. I have to pretend that I'm his boyfriend so I could fetch a ride to yours."

"Pretend? Really now? Your pictures were shown to me by Yaku? You were with someone else, you held his hands, he was hugging you from behind, and that peck on your cheek? Your excuse sounds too good to be true."

"Tetsu... It was all an act, I swear."

"I can't stand seeing you anymore, Kei. I don't want to see you. You with someone else, it scares me."

It all ended there. No more words from Kei, before he got into an accident where he never ate and slept regularly for the two months they weren't okay, his fatigue got through him, Kuroo realized his selfishness made Kei suffer.

And when he thought about it, not being able to see and even hold Kei anymore haunts him everyday.

It's Kuroo's birthday, a month after Kei's funeral, and he'd wanted to pay his deceased ex-boyfriend a visit. Yaku told him the whereabouts of Kei's burial place that he'd visit secretly, while Atsumu and Lev helped him to prepare what he brings.

He thought of buying a strawberry cake that made him remember of Tsukishima, and a bouquet of pale yellow roses, not like he'd thought about it too much, but he knew it meant farewell.

Probably it was also time for him to move on.

At Tsukishima's tomb, Akiteru was there, he anticipated Kuroo to come at least, he'd been close to him after all.

"Happy birthday, Kuroo. I knew you'd probably visit here."

"Thanks, Tsukishima-san, it's the least I can do, sorry for not attending the funeral."

"I understand. Besides I'm the only one who knows in the family other than Kei, oh and here you go."

Akiteru hands out a letter to Kuroo, it was a bit tattered, but was cleanly folded.

"What's this?" "We've been disposing of Kei's clothes, and I saw that in his closet. It had your initials, so I assumed it was dedicated to you."

"Th-thanks." Kuroo opened up the letter, and felt shivers down his spine. He felt as if Kei was talking to him in person, he could even hear his voice.

> _Tetsu, if you ever see and read this letter, please forget about me. I've already decided this. I've been in the wrong and I don't deserve a second chance for what I have done. Tetsu, I love you so much. More than I could've ever loved myself, but I might have broke myself too in the process. I'm sorry for leaving you, and not being able to see you in person at least once. I'll keep watching over you. You're the only one I have loved this much, and that will never change._
> 
> _\- Tsukishima Kei._

Kuroo's tears welled up and crying his heart out how every word what Kei had written in the letter pierced through him like a spear. Losing Kei was his biggest regret.

"I'm sorry, Tsukishima-san. It was, really my fault."

"You didn't do anything wrong, we were careless not looking over him. I've been noticing that he was kinda pale-looking, but I didn't bother about it too much, but how he was always out of his system, the light was already blinding but he didn't notice the car that was speeding through him."

"But still-" Kuroo wanted to take the blame, 'what ifs' comes through his mind, that Kei would be alive if he didn't resort to his temper.

"Kuroo, that's enough. Kei wouldn't be happy when he sees you suffer like this."

"I'm so sorry, Kei. And I know, you told me in the letter that I'll have forget you. But I would not. Ever. I'm sorry for being selfish, Kei." Kuroo whispered that only himself could hear. He would regret this one last time, for Kei wouldn't be able to hear the words coming from Kuroo.

"I love you so much."


End file.
